When we talk about selfish people and selfishness as behaviour, we are quick to think of self-serving people who put their needs before others and who use manipulation to get what they want.

While that sentiment is very true, we have all come across people who are self-absorbed and wouldn’t think twice about behind hurtful or unkind to someone else, if it means they could get their own way.

There is also a healthy type of selfishness. The one where we set boundaries and take time for ourselves, nurturing a self-respecting balance in our personal and professional lives.

Understanding Selfishness

Typically, a selfish person can be recognised by their entitled behaviour and lack of empathy or sympathy for others. Often on a crusade to fulfil all of their needs, with total disregard for what others may need along the way.

We all know these types of people. They are our neighbours, co-workers, friends and family members. They are frustrating and exhausting to deal with, readily defensive and masters at playing the blame game.

Traits of selfish people:

• Can’t accept constructive criticism
• Don’t respect other people’s time
• Always put their needs first
• Avoid taking responsibility and deflect blame onto others
• Don’t like to listen
• Refuse to be considerate or thoughtful
• At work, they hoard information rather than share it with their team
• They bring others down to boost themselves up
• They can’t give or share unconditionally, they always want something in return
• Can be controlling and dominating of others
• Not interested in another point of view, only theirs matters.

Does any of this sound familiar? It is hard enough working with or living in close proximity to someone who is selfish, but being in a relationship with a selfish person is frustrating, annoying and can be destructive. Setting strong and healthy boundaries is key to having your needs seen and met.

Healthy Selfishness

Creating a space to recharge your emotional energy so you can respond to your own health and well-being needs is essential for finding and maintaining balance in a world that will take everything you have got to give and then some.

Tuning in and prioritising oneself means that we are not only aware of our needs but that we protect ourselves from becoming emotionally drained, burned out and resentful. Self-care and boundaries go a long way in protecting us from things like social fatigue and help us advocate for our own emotional well-being.

What does healthy selfishness look like?

• Taking care of yourself through healthy food choices and regular exercise
• Setting healthy boundaries and not letting people take advantage of you or your time
• Saying no to a social event and preserving your energy for a personal project or family time
• Setting boundaries at work that don’t involve working over holidays or weekends
• Balancing your energy and attention when giving of yourself to others
• Prioritising your needs without feeling like you have to always do something for others
• Intentionally practising self-respect and not agreeing to anything that doesn’t align with your values.

Whether you are dealing with a self-centred colleague who always walks all over you, an entitled neighbour or you are saying no to after-hours work to take time for yourself, the key to successfully managing both is setting boundaries.

Boundaries are there to protect us from giving too much of ourselves, and to help us safeguard our time and mental health. It is okay to need rest, to ask for help and to walk away from a job, friendship or relationship that does more harm than good. 

There will always be those who try to test us and push our boundaries to selfishly serve their own needs. Knowing how to show up for yourself is empowering, and the more you practise setting and sticking to your boundaries, the easier it will become.